Heartbreak

this is raw and real and I cannot believe I am posting something so incredibly transparent.

But I am.

Let me tell you why.

My heart breaks for people who think they are all alone.

You aren't.

Why do we act like it's weak to admit our faults? No one is perfect.

Galatians 6:2 says to "Bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ"

James 5:16 tells us to "confess your sins to one another and pray for one another"

          
So why are we so ashamed to ask for help? Obviously, this has to be done with the right spirit, only God can forgive               sins and I am still of the opinion that some things just aren't other people's business.

That being said, do you have someone you trust, who will point you back to God's Word and pray for you?

I hope you do. And I hope you are a safe person for someone else.

This is my heart, and I want other people to know—whatever you are waiting for, you aren't alone.

Someone else I know got engaged today. I’m excited for her. I really am.

But I’m heartbroken.

I’ve never dated and as far as I know, I’m nowhere close to getting married.

Could marriage and motherhood be in my future? Sure. But it doesn’t seem like it.

What’s wrong with me?

I’ve heard all the arguments. Shoot, I’ve even said them myself.

“I’m not ready for a relationship.

I need to figure out who I am.

All in God’s timing.”

I truly believe that God is in control and that He will introduce me to the most wonderful man and (possibly even now) is writing our love story.

But that doesn’t stop the cruel doubts from being whispered in my mind.

“You’re unlovable.

No one cares.

You aren’t beautiful.

Your dreams will never come true.”

I know marriage isn’t easy, and it terrifies me as much as excites me; but I do not believe that God would place such a strong desire in my soul (a desire that lines up with what the Bible says) if marriage is not in my future.

I could be wrong. Maybe I’ll end up an old maid.

Some days I am so happy with my life right now. I love school and I have an amazing group of friends.

Other days I can’t stop crying.

People confuse me. How I still love people is beyond me.

“He doesn’t talk to anyone else like he talks to you! Y’all are so cute!”

He has beautiful eyes and he looked at me and smiled.

It’s tearing me apart. Where are the men? Aren’t they supposed to step up? Or is that just a cultural ideal I’ve bought into? I’m clueless. Someone please tell me what to do. Please drop him a hint.

My heart is breaking.

"I see you dressed in white

Every wrong made right

I see a rose in bloom

At the sight of you (oh so priceless)

Irreplaceable, unmistakable, incomparable

Darling, it's beautiful

I see it all in you (oh so priceless)"

Am I really? Or is that just another lie?

The above quote is from the song "Priceless," and I encourage you to listen to this beautiful song and go watch the movie. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPgSrMOTnqM

Finding Nemo. Finding Dory. Finding Myself.

(Part 1)

I remember watching Finding Nemo and realizing, “he’s just like me.” Lucky fin, overprotective parent, a desire to just fit in.

I have a weak left side as a result of a brain injury and I think I found it almost humorous that I identified with Nemo in such a way. I could also understand Nemo’s frustration. Couldn’t Nemo’s dad see that his son just wanted to be a typical fish? Why couldn’t my parents understand that I just wanted to be a regular kid? Then Nemo said something that broke my heart, but that I understood more than I care to admit.

“I hate you”

Ever wanted to say that to your parent(s)? I have. I don’t think I ever actually said it…but I definitely thought it. I’m not like everyone else and I blamed my parents for protecting me from activities that may have resulted in further injury. Of course what kid is thinking, “oh, my parents are just protecting me”? I just thought they didn’t want me to have fun or be normal. I’ll let you in on a secret-normal is overrated; but that’s a different post and I’m off topic.

But when Nemo is taken, his dad (Marlin) is willing to search the ENTIRE ocean to find his son. I love what Dory tells Marlin,

“Well, you can't never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him.”

You can’t protect the people you love from everything.

Through all of my rehab, my parents have always supported me. They (reluctantly) watched me go to college and be on my own. I’m not a parent, but if I’m willing to put myself in Marlin’s fins for a minute, I can understand his (and my parents’) overprotectiveness that is a result of their love.

(Part 2)

Let’s move on. Who doesn’t remember Dory?

The adorable, slightly forgetful blue tang that captured our hearts. Who forgets pretty much everything-almost instantly. After my TBI I had a memory problem and even now I start telling a story, wander into a different story, get distracted, and forget what I was talking about in the first place. A friend from school started calling me Dory (in the most loving sense of the name), and I think I started identifying with Dory even more. I admire her attitude and her spunk (sure she’s a little naïve when she starts talking to sharks, but who isn’t, at times?) and I was SO excited to learn that Finding Dory was coming out. Finally we would (hopefully) learn the story behind Dory and where she came from.

We all want to belong. And I believe we all have an innate desire to know where we come from. To go back to our roots, as it were.

Dory wants that, too.

I laughed, I cried, and I thought.

At one part in the movie, Dory has what I would consider to be a minor anxiety attack. She reacts to the situation going on and her breathing is rapid, her eyes widen, and she can’t think straight.

That poor fish. I understand, Dory. It happens to me too. And no one else understands.

But she doesn’t let that stop her. She determines to find her parents and won’t let anyone stop her (even if she does get sidetracked sometimes). I shan’t spoil the movie for you, but if you haven’t experienced this amazing tale-do so.

 (Part 3)

How often do I let my fears and insecurities, my quirks and individuality, stop me from doing everyday things? For so many years I thought that people saw me as “the little girl with a brain injury.” I let my limitations define me.

“I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14)

Do I really believe that? I’m a child of GOD! I have a personal relationship with him that isn’t based on anything I have done, but solely His grace. How awesome is that? And how often do we get distracted by life and forget that? We think we’re valuable (or not valuable) because of our grades, our job, our friends, and I could keep going.

My identity should be anchored in Christ if I’m a Christian. But if I’m not living every day with that realization, I waste time and energy trying to identify myself and find value in other things. Yes, I have passions and I am unique; but those are God given gifts that should be used to bring glory to Him. It doesn’t really have anything to do with me, other than I’m the one using them-and if I’m not using them, because fear is holding me back, then isn’t that a dishonor to God?

One of the things that make Dory so lovable is also her biggest obstacle. Our weaknesses are often also our strengths. I have a story to tell, and no one else can tell it like I can. The same goes for your story. Why shouldn’t I tell it and praise Jesus? I’m not saying tell everyone you meet on the street; but hey, if you strike up a conversation and it’s appropriate-go for it!

“But he said to me, ’My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Be Grateful for this Season

I graduated from college a few months ago and when I wasn’t offered a job anywhere (and I applied EVERYWHERE), I decided to take some time for myself. Let’s face it, college is ROUGH, but after a few weeks, I was going stir crazy. What could I do that used my talents and abilities, but without having a “job”? So I prayed. A lot. I mean, yeah, I was going to be applying to internships soon for the fall and I knew I’d be busy working on applications, but it’d be kind of nice to have a job to and feel like I’m DOING something (aaand get paid for it).

…so…

…nothing

I majored in Child Life in college—a Child Life Specialist is someone who works with hospitalized children and their families to help them cope with the stress and anxiety of a hospitalization and promote typical growth and development in the hospital setting. Since I’m not certified yet (I still have to complete a full internship and take the Child Life exam), I’ve been volunteering with the Child Life department at my local hospital. I love it J I love being able to help out however I can and provide activities for patients when they don’t have anything to do (let’s face it—hospitals can be pretty boring).

I live on a ranch. We have about ten rescue horses (some belong to us, some we just foster) and you know what’s so fun about horses? You get to ride them J you know what’s annoying about horses? They break stuff and you have to fix it L We have students from the local high school who need service hours for Beta Club, other organizations, or as determined by the SRO; and other friends who come out to work some Saturday’s, either working the horses or doing “ranch stuff” (fixing fences, digging trenches, etc.) Regardless of what we do, no workday is ever complete without hands-on contact with the horses. I love this time, not only do I get to spend time with my animals, but I get to hang out with some pretty interesting people in a not-so-typical environment. Yes, it makes for a long day, but the laughter makes the sweat worth it. And you can have a Root Beer when you leave, what more do you want? Seriously though, that’s part of the Circle C experience.

One day, I will have a job, and I won’t be able to volunteer at the hospital making painted handprints with a patient (hopefully because I’ll be working in a hospital) and I won’t be able to spend my free days teaching kids how to ride or supervising workdays. I won’t be free to pick up pizza and stop by my dad’s classroom to hang out with his students as they “study” and l won’t have the time to help my sweet friend hide Easter eggs all over a huge room for the Foster Care Clothing Closet’s Easter Blowout (by the time we finished it looked like the Easter Bunny threw up) or help out with their Easter activities. But I have the time, and the opportunity, to do those things now and make a difference.

I don’t know where I’m going to be in the future, and that’s why I have to enjoy this season of life now, because I won’t be here forever (I think). I don’t know what He’s doing either, but I know He’s in control (good thing, too—if it was up to me, my life would look completely different and things probably wouldn’t have worked out this well).

Survivor

This isn't the typical type of post I would write, but I think it needs to be said. Even eleven years later I still have anxiety attacks, migraines, and am exhausted. I don't say this for your pity-I say it so you'll understand the next time you meet someone with a similar injury.

I’ve had a brain injury.

But that doesn’t define me.

You can’t see my scars

But that doesn’t mean I’ve been set free.

My thoughts are easily confused

I’m exhausted, I can’t think.

I’m constantly treading water

Keeping my head up so I don’t sink.

I don’t remember who I was before-

This has been my life for so long,

I’ve learned to be grateful for this life

But I just want to feel like I belong.

Please don’t tell me I’m lucky or fortunate.

Please recognize I haven’t reached “recovery,”

Yes, it’s a miracle I’m alive

But I’m still on this journey.