I’m [still] Learning

I’m [still] Learning

I’m still learning and growing and struggling and living.

Because that’s life.

A little over six months ago I graduated with my master’s and a little later got married. Got a job, a house, even got a puppy! This is it, right? This is what I’ve been looking forward to for YEARS. Forever with the one I love, finally working as a clinical counselor, lounging with my pup. This is “adulting,” right?

So why am I so tired?

I’m still learning how hard my job really is. After years of school and internships, I’m still learning how hard it is to sit with someone and hold their grief. To sit with a high schooler as they struggle with the meaning of life. Sometimes we talk, and other times we play games or color. Because life is hard and sometimes they just need a break and to know that I’m listening to the words they aren’t saying. I’m feeling the anguish they are in without needing words.

I’m still learning.

I’m still learning that marriage isn’t always easy. Life is busy and it’s hard to make time when you both have crazy schedules. It’s easy to be selfish and get mad. Loving is HARD. 

I’m still learning, and that’s okay.

And I have to remind myself that it’s okay. When I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t have it all together and I’m the only one struggling (I’m not). I have to remind myself to slow down. To take care of myself. Sometimes the hardest thing is putting one foot in front of the other. And that’s okay. Sometimes living is the most courageous thing you can do.

Take Five

I was at a job interview recently and was asked the question, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I understand the intent of the question and responded honestly and appropriately, but afterwards I couldn’t help thinking about that question. If you had asked me five years ago where I thought I would be today (a question I’m sure I answered as I applied for internships and looked forward to my third year at Columbia College), my response wouldn’t compare to my life today.

Five years ago I was living in Gatlinburg for the summer as part of summer project with CRU (Campus Crusade for Christ). Part of my job on the team was planning weekly outreach nights for us to hang out with international students who come to Gatlinburg to work each summer. I loved it! I made amazing friends and learned hard lessons, I grew in my faith and got to spend the second half of project working at a cabin rental company. I loved it.

If you had asked me then where I would be today (five years later), I would probably have imagined an internship, a job, possibly moving to a different state or even country to work with kids, and maybe some romance along the way. Grad school? maybe after I get a steady job—I just finished a four-year degree in three and a half. I need a break. Marriage? Let me laugh for a second. There is no one—repeat—NO ONE in my life even interested in me. I know couples have cute meeting stories, but fairytales like that don’t exist. Staying in Columbia?  PUH-LEASE. I can’t wait to get out of here and move back to my quiet little corner of the world or go somewhere brand new (international work is calling my name).

A friend once told me that you make plans and God laughs. It’s now one of my favorite sayings. I don’t think plans are bad, but you have to admit, some (most) things are out of our control.

So, I graduated college. Didn’t get a job. Spent a whole spring and summer working with the youth group at my church and sweating at youth camp (and loving every minute). Went to grad school (you can laugh, it’s okay). Those were the absolute hardest years. I cried and studied more than I ever have and tried to convince myself to quit school at least a dozen times (per semester). I kind of got set up on a blind date, and we got married after graduation in a fairytale ceremony in front of a white gazebo in a green meadow on my parent’s ranch. We don’t have plans to move to a big city or move permanently to another country. 

Instead we laugh a lot, and I cry a lot because that’s what I do when I’m emotional. We play a lot of games (we are not discussing the monopoly game from last night, though.) and enjoy waffles on Saturdays or walks downtown. I’m catching up on rest and reading and waiting on my counseling license. If I dream about where I’ll be in five years, you’ll hear me talk about houses and puppies and babies. Then again, I have no idea what to expect.

This isn’t at all what I expected. But it’s beautiful and I love it.

Love Story

My dad wrote this story for us and I love it's perspective, he gave me permission to share it.

God is sitting on His throne, the angels are moving about, some in worship, some receiving orders and others preparing to do God’s bidding down on earth. One angel, August, seems confused and lingers a bit before departing. God calls him over and asks, “August what is the matter, you appear to have a question?” August replies, “Lord, you know my human, Elizabeth, that I was assigned to many years ago. I’m confused about my orders. There seems to be a conflict, she and others are deeply in prayer about this human thing of marriage, but I have been given orders to shield her from any eligible suitors.”

God smiles as He answers, “August, you are very well aware of the unique preparations I have made for this special girl. Her heart is unlike any other, and I have allowed unusual pain in her life, but I am also preparing a young man and when they are BOTH ready, they will meet and immediately fall in love. I have ordained it.”

“Lord, all due respect, I don’t think that ‘love at first sight’ thing still works. People are so different, they are blinded by the cares and wants of the world, few even understand this concept of ‘love’. I don’t understand it and I’ve watched over humans for thousands of years. 

“Trust Me, August. You will know when the time is right. You have your orders, she will be aware soon and she will need you today.”

Down on earth, in another town, a young couple, Alex and Samantha, are talking. “Alex, I’m concerned about Tyler, he’s a great guy but he’s not dating anyone, he’s not even looking.” Alex looks at his girlfriend and a frown appears on his forehead. “Sam, I know that voice and you are up to something. What have you done?” Samantha innocently shakes her head and says, “I haven’t done anything” and under her voice mutters “yet.” 

Tyler is enjoying his new job. He feels good about his recent financial decisions and life is good. He is very busy, but there are times when he wishes he had someone. He is quite preoccupied with his career and hasn’t given much thought to dating. He has prayed and he knows his parents are praying, but right now he has a lot to do. Tonight, after work, he is hanging out with his best friends, Alex and Sam. He sometimes feels like a third wheel but it’s ok.  

Alex and Tyler were playing video games. Sam took Tyler’s computer and went to the next room. She kept asking questions and Tyler, starting to wonder, went to see what Sam was doing. She had created a dating profile. Tyler argued, “Sam, this is not going to work…I’m not going to waste my money on a dating site.” Sam told him “Calm down, you don’t have to pay anything, but you have to create a profile to look. Let’s just look. A Christian girl—that’s a must. She needs to be smart, so college is important.” After the very first search, Tyler spotted Elizabeth’s picture, “she’s pretty.” Well, saying “she’s pretty” to Sam was like saying “sic ‘em” to a hound. The profile information was limited since Tyler didn’t have a full account, but Sam was not discouraged. Using her stalker techniques, Sam was able to find Elizabeth on Facebook, in fact, she and Elizabeth had some mutual friends. Sam took this as a sign, and with Tyler’s permission, messaged Elizabeth. Then they waited to see if she would respond. 

It was Friday night, Elizabeth had just returned to her apartment from a friend’s birthday party. It was late and she was tired from a long week of grad school. On the way home, August received an important update from his commanding angel. “Whatever it takes, Elizabeth needs to read and reply to Sam’s message.”

As she checked her computer, she saw that she had a facebook message from someone named Samantha. “Hey Girl, I know you don’t know me. And I know that this is going to sound crazy, but I have this friend…” 

“What in the world?” Elizabeth had watched way too many Criminal Minds episodes, and her “Be careful” warning system was at a DEFCON 4 (take a double-look). 

As August looked over her shoulder, he could see the look on Elizabeth’s face. He couldn’t read her mind, but he knew she was backing away from responding.

Sure enough, Elizabeth got up and walked away. August had long ago learned how she often responded to situations. She needed time to process, but he also knew she could convince herself to do or not to do something. He needed to plant several things in her mind, first, that this was safe, and secondly, to stir up her curiosity. About fifteen minutes later, Elizabeth sat down and read the message again. She typed out a response, and finally, she hit reply. August gave a deep sigh of relief. 

Elizabeth and Sam decided to meet—and what better place to meet than Chick-fil-A! Over some chicken nuggets and waffle fries they talked about their various interests and of course, the true purpose of that evening, Tyler. The evening was filled with questions and curiosity. August ate his waffle fries at a table across the restaurant and watched with anticipation.

The next day, Tyler and Elizabeth started talking. After awhile, he asked the question, “Would you like to meet face to face?” She said yes!

The time went by quickly, and just a few days later, Elizabeth and Tyler went on their first date. Some would think that this was the beginning of their love story, but we know better.

August once again was in Heaven getting new orders (things have changed quite a bit since Elizabeth and Tyler started dating). August requested a moment of God’s time. First, August praised God for His perfect plan and for allowing him to see God’s grace in action. Then he said, “I’m always amazed by this thing called love. Where do these humans get it from?”  

“They get it from Me, August, they get it from Me.”